It’s funny how life works sometimes. You think you’re just getting started on something new, but when you really stop and look at where you’ve been, you realize it’s more of a continuation of everything that has led you here. That’s where we are right now as a family: my husband and I getting ready to start the adoption process for our foster daughter, and while it’s a new chapter, it’s also a chance to reflect on some life lessons I’ve learned from being a foster mom that can apply to anyone.  So, let’s get started:

Lesson 1: Let go of what you can’t control (and yes, I know, you’ve heard this a million times)

Okay, okay, I know—”let go of what you can’t control” is the kind of advice you’ve heard so many times, it’s practically a bumper sticker. But here’s the thing: it’s still true. Becoming a foster parent taught me a level of surrender I didn’t know I needed. From day one, I was faced with things I simply couldn’t control: the unpredictability of being placed with a newborn with 1 day’s notice, the slow pace of bureaucracy (looking at you, local government), and the ever-shifting dynamics of the biological family. At every turn, I was reminded that no matter how hard I tried to plan, sometimes life just has its own timeline. Learning to let go of control wasn’t easy, but it became necessary for my mental health. I realized that I could only control how I showed up for my foster daughter and that sometimes, a deep breath and a moment of reflection can help put things in perspective. This is still a lesson I’m relearning every single day.

Lesson 2: Stop villainizing them, and show some empathy instead

It’s easy to label “them” as the enemy—the person who cut you off in traffic, that guy who still hasn’t learned to use “reply all” properly, or in my case, my foster daughter’s biological parents. It’s easy to write someone off after they’ve made mistake after mistake, but the truth is, we all have a story. Even if someone has made a lifetime of bad choices, that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve empathy. Maybe they’re carrying a heavy load of regret, or maybe they never felt love or were never taught how to make critical decisions. Instead of judgment, offer understanding—because sometimes, the kindest thing we can give someone is a little compassion, even when their past looks like a train wreck. Everyone deserves empathy because you never know what invisible weights they’re carrying, no matter how it might appear on the surface.

Lesson 3: Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you smart

Here’s the thing: asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of knowing when to tap out before you lose it over a missing broom (yes, I did sob when I lost a broom, but I blame pregnancy hormones). We’re often taught to be self-sufficient and handle things on our own, but the reality is that we don’t have to do it all by ourselves. From the first moments of becoming a foster mom, I started saying “I need help” a lot. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend to vent, asking a family member to babysit, or simply admitting that you need a break because sometimes life is hard AF, it’s a sign of strength, not weakness. When you acknowledge your limits and invite others to support you, you’re not only taking care of yourself, but you’re also showing your kids (or those around you) that it’s okay to lean on others.

Lesson 4: Surround yourself with people who cheer you on, not the ones who try to rain on your parade

You don’t need people in your life who suck the energy out of your dreams or seed doubt about decisions you have already made. I had a few skeptics voice concerns when I decided to become a foster mom, so I chose to instead lean in to those who supported me. Find people who celebrate your victories, big or small, and lift you up when you’re feeling down. Life’s challenging enough without people doubting your every move. So make sure your circle is full of the kind of folks who say, “You’ve got this!” instead of, “Are you sure about that?” You deserve to be surrounded by people who believe in you – even (and especially) when you don’t believe in yourself.

Lesson 5: Take all advice (including this post) as inputs—you’re the hero of your own story

Here’s the deal—everyone’s got an opinion, but not all advice is built to fit your life. And trust me, I received parenting advice on top of diversity advice on top of relationship advice when I became a foster mom. Whether it’s from friends, strangers, or some random blog post (ahem), take all advice as inputs.  You don’t have to follow it to the letter, but you can consider it, tweak it, or even toss it if it doesn’t resonate. Advice is meant to inform, not dictate. Trust yourself to decide what works, and remember: if all else fails, just wing it. That’s what the rest of us are doing!

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My hope is that this blog may be helpful, or dare I say inspirational to someone out there. So, what lessons has your family taught you? Share your wisdom!