Today marks a bittersweet milestone: my 2-year-old foster daughter’s final visit with her biological father. As I watch him say goodbye to her, I feel the weight of the moment, even though she’s too young to fully understand the gravity of this encounter.  I can’t help but reflect on the tricky terrain of what his role will look like once the adoption papers are signed. It’s one thing to navigate the complexity of fostering, but what happens when she’s “officially” family?  I know he wants to remain part of her life, but is that what we want?  I feel ambivalent AF, but my husband is adamant that he does not want him to be involved, which adds yet another layer of complexity.

Some quick legal background

Legally speaking, our state is a closed adoption state. This means that any type of open adoption arrangement has no legal obligation or enforcement. In other words, any communication we have with the biological family after adoption will be set by my terms versus a legal contract.

Questions I’m grappling with

• How will contact or lack of contact with her biological dad impact her sense of self?
• How will contact or lack of contact impact her connection to her biological roots and cultural heritage?
• How will contact or lack of contact with her biological dad impact her sense of security, belonging, and attachment?
• Will her biological dad be stable enough in his own life to be a consistent presence in hers?
• What other complications or complexities will arise from maintaining a relationship with her biological dad?
• How do we balance her biological dad’s desire to be involved with the absence of her biological mother?

What I know for sure

• I want to consider her biological dad’s feelings, but above all, I want to do right by my daughter
• I want to set clear expectations and boundaries with her biological dad
• There are a range of options to consider – from sending regular photos, to scheduled FaceTime chats, to in-person visits
• I don’t want this to get in between my husband and me
• I can make decisions now and make different decisions in the future
• I want my daughter to feel safe to express her desires as she gets older
• I will honor her identity
• I will allow her to explore and understand her background at her own pace
• I will have age-appropriate conversations about the past and present
• I will make sure she always feels loved and wanted

The truth is, I don’t need to make a final decision right now about if and how to involve my foster daughter’s biological dad in her life after the adoption is finalized. It’s a delicate balance between respecting his place in her past while honoring the family we are building together, and there is no reason to rush. No matter what, my foster daughter’s well-being, emotional growth, and sense of security will always be my top priority. As she grows older, her own wishes and understanding of her story will inevitably shape our decisions. I will stay open, trust my instincts, listen, and adapt. When in doubt, I won’t hesitate to consult an expert (therapist, social worker, or wise AF adoptive mama) for additional perspective and guidance. The future will bring more clarity, and for once, I’m giving myself permission to take it one step at a time.

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My hope is that this blog may be helpful, or dare I say inspirational to someone out there. If you have been in this situation, I’d love to learn from you. Please share in the comments!