We all have regrets and moments (or months, years) when things don’t go according to plan. Life isn’t always the dream we imagined as kids. As a white foster mom to a Black daughter, a Jewish wife to an Indian husband, and a mom to a HinJew son, life can feel especially tough and complicated. There are days when I feel down, exhausted, or disappointed, and my mind spirals into a loop of “what ifs.” What if I would have moved to NYC for my last job? What if I would have married a Jewish man? What if I had had kids younger? I end up ruminating on these things that don’t serve me and are not good for my mental health. Oh, and then the social media scrolling kicks in, and I get sucked into the trap of comparing my real life to the highlight reels of everyone else’s “perfect” moments. So now, when I catch myself spiraling into those “what if” scenarios and the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” rabbit hole, I stop and ask myself, “What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?” It’s a question that always makes me smile (corny, but true). I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, but I do find comfort in knowing that every choice I’ve made, even the dumb AF ones, has led me to this exact moment. And what if this is exactly where I’m meant to be?

Understanding the “what if” loop

So, it’s no secret that Jews get tagged as being extra anxious. And yeah, I’ll admit, there’s a decent amount of truth to that stereotype, at least in my case. Maybe it’s the centuries of survival instincts or all those biblical tales of plagues and exoduses. This survival instinct is of course engrained in all brains, not just Jewish ones, and we are all hardwired to expect danger and seek safety. But when it comes to things we can’t change, our brains just want to predict every disaster that might have come from a single misstep, keeping us trapped in an endless loop of regret and fear. The mind craves resolution, but instead, it gets stuck in negative possibilities, trying to rewrite history, which, of course, is impossible. We torture ourselves by reliving past moments over and over. It’s exhausting, really.

3 Practical techniques to bust out of “what if” jail

Write it down and let it go. Journaling your “what if” thoughts can be cathartic. Write down all the things you’re ruminating on, then close the notebook with a conscious decision to leave those thoughts on the page. Sometimes getting it out of your head is the first step to releasing it. To take the concept of release a step further, you can even look into the Jewish practice of tashlich or the Hindu practice of havan.

Stop, drop, and smell. When you start ruminating on past “what ifs,” bring your attention back to right now, and ground yourself in the present. Use your senses—what do you see, hear, and smell? Taking a moment to just breathe and focus on the present helps break the cycle of revisiting the past.

Say it out loud: “What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?” When you catch yourself spiraling into past regrets, try saying this phrase out loud. It might sound a little cheesy at first, but verbalizing it helps rewire your brain to embrace the present rather than dwell on the past. Positive affirmations like this can actually reduce anxiety by shifting your focus from uncertainty to acceptance. Reflecting on the idea that you are exactly where you need to be can ease the tension of “what ifs” and allow you to be more compassionate with yourself, making it easier to let go of rumination and move forward with clarity and peace.

The “what if” loop can feel like a never-ending cycle of doubt, but shifting our mindset to “What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?” can be life-changing. It’s time to break free from fear-driven thinking and start living in the present moment. Trusting ourselves, our path, and even our questionable life choices (we’ve all been there) is the first step toward peace. So, next time you’re stuck in the spiral of “what if I messed up my entire life,” try saying aloud, “What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?” and watch the magic of perspective kick in.

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My hope is that this blog may be helpful, or dare I say inspirational to someone out there. How do you bust out of the “what if” loop that serves no one?